When life sets in, and you move away for that wonderful job offer or to be with the love of your life, all of your childhood friends are somewhere else and suddenly meeting new gal pals becomes increasingly difficult. It’s no secret that making adult friends is hard, especially for women. For my husband, it seems to be as simple as picking up a new hobby, although if you are a man feel free to comment your thoughts below. Playing a new card game for him turned into a weekly chat group of arranging new games once a week and tournaments every other weekend. For women, the feat is not so simple. Thankfully my tribe of women have weighed in with their opinion and I would like to share some of their experiences below.
I was speaking to one of my older sisters about this subject- the one who has two kids, a part-time job and a husband. Basically, she says there is no norm for hanging out or social calls as an adult, whereas in school or even college, you had your study groups, your class buddies, your Thursday Ladies night with your single friends, etc…
My older sis had always been very active socially, with a wide circle of friends. Growing up, I don’t remember her ever doing anything alone, from hitting the gym to study groups and house parties. Hell, she was even voted “Queen” of her high school when there was such a thing. She said her after-school days consisted of calls to all her friends to chat about the latest gossip. She also said she always had that one friend that she told anything and everything to. But growing up she realized adults don't do this anymore.
My husband also shared his theories. He believes most likely people stop viewing friends as their go-to person for everything because most everybody gets married, and when you get married guess who you are going to tell all your juiciest gossip to? Your spouse.
To attest to that point, I had a friend who was in an unhappy marriage and demanded that I always hang out. I mean almost always. She wondered how I could do anything else besides see her after work and on weekends, basically during almost all of my free time. However, I realized this friend just did not want to be home with her husband. Years later, when the tables turned, her life became increasingly busy and suddenly I was the one making demands on seeing her on a biweekly basis. Even this was a strong cause for argument because at this point she had a baby and other demands.
According to my mother, no demands should ever be made on friends as these can almost always strain the friendship even more. Life is busy. People are busy. She re-learned this valuable lesson at the ripe age of 50+, when she began to feel neglected by a friend she had become close with. Her name for this story shall be Gemini.
Whenever my mom wanted to, let’s say, go out to dinner for the happy hour special she would text Gemini and in the past Gemini would respond excitedly ready to chow down on appetizers and tequila. Fast forward to now, my mother invited Gemini for an ice cream date and Gemini was too sick to go, besides she “hated” ice cream she said. What does my mom see on Instagram a few hours later? Just like in high school or even elementary, Gemini went out for ice cream with new friend “Snake.” Yup. This happened for a few more weeks, leaving my mom confused, wondering if her friendship had been real at all.
Does this mean case closed, friendship over? NO. For an adult this simply means Gemini shouldn't have to say who she would rather spend time with. Her actions speak for themselves. The fact is adult friends don’t want to experience any conflict or disturbance whatsoever. I saw this happen when my mom asked Gemini why she wasn't seeing her at all lately, and my mother was met with rebukes and confrontation.
It happens, though. She shouldn't have said anything because really at any age over thirty, asking why a friend isn't seeing or contacting you at all constitutes "drama." And you almost 100% will lose that friendship. At this age, women are tired of hearing drama from their children, spouse, parents and siblings- why add to their drama if they have already clearly shown that they want nothing to do with you? Take the signs as a huge “flashing lights” hint.
Do I heed this warning myself? Not always. I wish I listened to my own advice. If you absolutely must say something, it has to be about as sweet as apple pie, such as something in the likes of “Hey friend! I miss you and haven't seen you in a while. Could we hang out more often?" If that doesn't work and your friend is still neglecting you weeks later, say, "Hey! I think I'm the one always asking to see you and I don't want to bother you anymore. If you want to see me sometimes too, could you please let me know?"
That's the limit of directness in an adult friendship, I think. Once that was stated, take the huge hint that this person does not want to see you anymore when they disappear. And that's okay!
Honestly, there are times when a little bit of confrontation is needed. Just like in any relationship, conflict resolution is a key part of friendships. According to my friend, whose identity will remain a secret so let's just call her Sharon, open communication could have saved her friendship. Sharon had a friend who recently got divorced, let’s call her Barb. If Barb had told Sharon how she felt every time she invited Sharon out for a drink and Barb said no, I’m sure Sharon would have made efforts to prevent a friend-breakup. So, for instance, every time Sharon said no to party plans, the divorced friend, Barb, could have shared something like "I wish you could come out more because I really miss you and I feel like we are separating a lot lately."
That message is THE wake-up call Sharon needed and it would have given Sharon a chance. I'm sure Barb felt neglected to begin with and never said anything, so instead of discussing unresolved feelings and causing “drama,” she simply came to the subconscious decision to avoid Sharon altogether due to a lack of communication. Like in any relationship, communication is key. If neither party is communicating their needs, one person is going to ASSUME they know what the other wants and doesn't want.
You know what they say about assuming: to ASSUME makes an “ASS out of U and ME.” Assuming leads to a friendship where one friend is reacting to the other without knowing the consequences. I've seen friends get into “Instagram” posting battles and uploading pictures while out with new friends, captioning their pics with things like "out with my friends #RealFriends #Bffs #NightOut #GirlsNight #NoFakeFriends." Here, both friends are guilty of not communicating to each other that what they actually want is to see each other. But if they both keep posting pictures with other friends, one person in the friendship eventually interprets that their friend is long gone with their new buddies and doesn't want to be friends him/her anymore.
The number one reason you should always take into consideration is that they are in fact, just busy. Most people aren't as great at multitasking as you might think. And even times they remember their friends, they might not have the time to do anything at all- because other tasks take priority. After all, why wouldn't you mow your overgrown lawn which the HOA has sent you letters about? Why wouldn’t you get around to folding that laundry that’s been on your couch for weeks? Or why wouldn't you see that coworker that's always asking to do happy hour, but you never seem to find the time?
Which leads me to another reason adult friends ghost.
If a friendship isn't easy and accessible as an adult, let’s face it, it's a struggle. Most adults function with the mantra "out of sight out of mind". This is because the mental capacity of most adults is reserved for work, bills, emergencies, the spouse, and family in no particular order.
Another good reason friends leave is different interests. From my female role models’ experiences, one friend (say, friend Sarah) started hanging out with members of a spin class, completely neglecting her mommy group of friends. I mean, maybe she wanted to expand her circle of friends. But suddenly, her morning was filled with cycling classes, her evenings were filled with yoga, and the weekends were for CrossFit. Meanwhile her mommy group was still watching her kids for her, taking them to and from school, and even bringing her kids out on the weekends WITHOUT ever seeing Sarah for months.
Once Sarah found new gym friends, she ghosted on all the mommies because she felt they no longer had that much in common, as she apparently had ghosted on motherhood altogether.
Sometimes friends come into your life for certain stages, after all when Barb got divorced it was easy for her to give up on years of friendship with Sharon when their kids were basically friends since birth. They had had the amazing coincidence of knowing each other right before each of their pregnancies and sharing the process together. They would often see each other at birthing classes, yoga and would even host joint kid birthday parties. Hell, I think they even shared breastmilk at one point when one friend ran out for the day. However, once that stage of life was over, now so there was no need to maintain that friendship.
I know this can all seem really lonely and depressing, but if you think about it, you already have people in your life that you have nothing in common with and still have to see – aka, family! Why waste your energy on anyone else?
Sometimes we even go “above and beyond” for people at the worst time in their life, hoping that one day we won't be forgotten. I’ve been guilty of this too. Other women and I have done everything for our friends from watching over their kids, helping them move, helping them go through a breakup- only to be forgotten in our time of need.
Lastly, there are always nasty reasons why adults separate themselves from their friends. The garden-variety end-it-all reasons can be: a betrayal, a death, a move, a new job, an affair, even a marriage can break up a friendship if the friend’s spouse hates you.
One nasty and extremely common reason friends distance themselves from you is jealousy. In my experience this happens more often with women than men. Again, feel free to share your thoughts below gentlemen! But if you are a woman, like me, go through the following checklist when you wonder why a friend ghosted you (I say this with experience because I’ve had “friends” tell me this to my face as the reason why they left):
· Do you have a better marriage than your friend (cue in the divorced friend that avoids you)?
· Do you have a great body after having kids?
· Are you more successful in your career or did you just get a promotion?
Yeah, good luck finding women who won't absolutely hate you, let alone befriend you.
The list goes on filled with jealous, vile reasons why friends stop being your so-called friends. But people come and go. Don't take them for granted for the time they were a part of your life but also, understand the hints when someone is leaving your life- distancing themselves, and best of all- let them. It may be nothing personal and you are sure to find another friend soon. There's friends for every stage, every workplace, every day of your life if you know where to look- from the new receptionist to your local book club. And there is not a shortage of apps and websites that will help you connect with your next BF"FN" in a single swipe right - but please understand what the acronym stands for: best friend “FOR NOW.”
My last word of advice here is that there are countless stories I’ve heard of adult friends deserting other friends for “x” or “y” reasons when it's convenient for them, but family is forever. And hopefully also your spouse. Be sure to always make time for them and cultivate those relationships, for they will be your friends forever. For me, my husband is truly my best friend.
